I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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