just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
