I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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