i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
