youre lurking in front of me
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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