I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
