Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
and you fell through a lawn chair
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
