I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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