There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
