I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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