the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
