dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
