I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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