And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
