I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
