i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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