you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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