I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
