I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
