im holly from the hills drunk
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
we should paint friendship bongs
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
