On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
