I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize