I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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