my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
