4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
