She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think my fart just growled at me.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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