Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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