Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Randomize
