Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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