today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
