U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
