The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize