I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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