I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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