too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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