it was like eating out sand paper
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
