I molested 6 butterflies tonight
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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