I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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