I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
