Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize