May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
