I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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