they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
