Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
