I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
