life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
