you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Rumble strips road head = magical
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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