Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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