She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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