The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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