oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
