we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
