rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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