Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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