I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
