this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
