I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
