She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
