just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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