Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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