Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This is the high leading the old right now
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
