You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
