omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
